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http://fun.from.hell.pl/2003-11-24/bubblewrap.swf

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A Guide to Effective Scientific Communication

It has long been known
I haven't bothered to look up the reference

It is believed
I think

It is generally believed
A couple of other guys think so too

It is not unreasonable to assume
If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Of great theoretical importance
I find it kind of interesting

Of great practical importance
I can get some mileage out of it

Typical results are shown
The best results are shown

3 samples were chosen for further study
The others didn't make sense, so we ignored them

It has not been possible to provide definitive answers
The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the data somewhere

Correct within an order of magnitude
Wrong

It might be argued that
I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it

Much additional work will be required
This paper is not very good, but neither are all the others in this miserable field

These investigations proved highly rewarding
My grant is going to be renewed

I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions on the interpretation of the data
X did the experiment and Y explained it to me

The Woman's Guide To Male English

What He Says	What He Means
I'm hungry	I'm hungry
I'm sleepy	I'm sleepy
I'm tired	I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie	I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I take you out to dinner?	I'd like to have sex with you later
Can I call you sometime?	I'd like to have sex with you later
May I have this dance?	I'd like to have sex with you later
Nice dress!	Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage	I want to fondle you
What's wrong?	I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong?	What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong?	I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored	Do you want to have sex?
I love you	Let's have sex right now
I love you, too	OK, I said it -- we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair	I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair	$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk	I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me?	I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping)	Pick any frigging dress and let's go home!

The man's guide to female English

What She Says	What She Means
We need	I want
It's your decision	The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want	You'll pay for this later
We need to talk	I need to complain
You're...so manly	You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight!	Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!	I've got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient	I want a new house
I want new curtains	and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes	the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there	No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise	I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?	I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me?	I did something today you're not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute	kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt too big?	Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate	Just agree with me
Yes	No
No	No
Maybe	No
I'm sorry	You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe?	It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it
I'm not yelling!	Yes I'm yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish	It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Airplane Ride

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

Old man confession

An old man hobbles into the confessional. The priest slides open the panel and the old man says, 'I'm 84 years old. I just picked up two teenaged girls hitchhiking, took them to a motel room, and made love to both of them. Twice.'

The priest says, 'Well, are you sorry for your sins?'

'What sins?' says the old man.

'What sins???' remarks the priest incredulously, 'What kind of Catholic are you?'

'I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish,' says the old man.

'Well then, why are you telling ME all this?' asks the priest.

'I'm telling EVERYONE.' says the old man.

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